You never really know celebrities, but it can feel like you do. Like you can see their beautiful imperfections as if they were a close friend or loved one. This is what Naya Rivera was for a younger me through her role as Santana Lopez on Glee. I’m devastated over her loss in a way many other queer people have been feeling.

Naya brought such sass, compassion, and spark to her role as Santana. Her portrayal of a queer girl provided me a place to see myself be loved and accepted before I really felt that way in my real life. I watched with friends whose love for the Glee kids made me believe those friends could love me, too.

Her character was stubborn and intimidating, vulnerable and afraid. Everything I saw in myself at the time and so it was easy to project myself into Santana, imagining her life as mine, enjoying the complex teenhood I wish I had, and surrounding herself with the friends I hoped I make. At the time, Santana was coded as bi, something I had never seen before. It was wonderous and exhilarating and even though the character refined herself as time went on, it was exactly what I needed at the time.

Santana, and Naya by default, was also the first girl crush I consciously allowed myself to have after first coming out. That connection, however fictional, became formative for me and likely many others, making her loss like losing a part of ourselves. Seeing Santana live so fully gave me hope. Her story with Brittney was quirky and moving and I was amazed it existed.

Naya even devoted herself to furthering LGBT+ causes outside Glee and was a champion for many of us without a voice. She was strong and made us feel strong. She never shied away from that either, standing up for queer kids and adults alike online and at many-a-press junket. Which only made me admire her more. I only recently learned Naya was the one who pushed for Santana’s story as we ultimately saw it. She blessed us with the kind of representation and hope we all needed. It really speaks to the kind of person she was.

As Glee gave Santana her happy ending, I felt comforted as my time with Santana, too, came to an end. It’s the happiness she deserved. That we deserved. Media expanded and other representation was given center stage. I firmly believe Naya is responsible for how many later works of queer art filled the space I once held for Santana. But even as I left Glee behind, I loved seeing Naya still out there being an incredible person, friend, and mom. Whenever I’d come across her work or tweets, I’d smile.

Like many others who heard the news, I held out hope the result would be Naya coming home safe. To her son, to her family, to her friends, to her castmates, and to us. My heart breaks for her loss. And everything she had left to give. I’m so thankful for her impact on my life and the lives of others, but something just won’t be quite the same ever again. She deserved so much more. I hope her loved ones know what she did for us and I hope they find peace.

I’ll miss you, Naya. Thank you for everything.

Source: You Are What You Write